Humour

Clean hands

Three engineers were in the gents. The guy from Volvo washed his hands thoroughly, and used 13 paper towels so that his hands were completely dry. "At Volvo, we take care to be thorough" he said. The second chap also washed his hands thoroughly, but only used one towel to dry his hands, using every corner, and even turning it over. "At Volkswagen, not only are we thorough, but we are also trained to be efficient" he said.
The third man headed straight for the door. "At Rolls-Royce, we don't pee on our hands."

What is a Tog? (extract from BBC Radio 2 website http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/shows/wogan/togs.shtml)

TOGs, also known as Terry's Old Geezers or Gals, listen and attempt tirelessly to feature on Wake Up To Wogan. Togginess is a state of mind recognised by many, as that feeling of being old before your time. In this light, TOGs are famous for their fierce resentment of anybody younger than themselves reflected in exclamations such as 'They don't know they're born!' and 'Clear off, you young limb!'

"Another tell-tale sign of a TOG is a flat cap and an inexplicable penchant for driving their Volvos in the centre lane of the motorway at 60mph"

ODE

he thought he saw a mighty sea that tumbled, frothed and boiled

he looked again and saw it was a spill of diesel oil

his restoration work will soon look just a tad shopsoiled

he thought he saw a raging bull that gave him quite a fright

he looked again and saw it was a volvo turning right

and this was not expected as his headlamp was quite bright

he thought he saw a christmas tree all guilded bright and brash

he looked again and saw it was a gatso going flash

damn thats six points he chuntered loud why did I choose to dash

Fools errands

Has anyone else ever sent the new apprentice to the stores for a 2BA tapped hole or for a sky-hook?

Tapped holes were out of stock, but we got the apprentice to order a reel of 2BA Thread!

Another one was the foreman saying to the lad “find me an adjustable 7/16" ring spanner”.

Poor lad, it was after that that he felt that the Aircraft industry was not for him.

I was sent for a 5/16" struggle bar when working as an apprentice so I went for a walk and returned a while later saying there were none left. The fitter I was assisting went to the tool stores and came back with a bit of tapered rod for lining up holes to get a bolt in!

My first couple of jobs were in the catering industry, bars and kitchens. I am proud to say that I was the instigator (thank god I wasn't the victim) of a prank on a new kitchen porter. The best thing was the unspoken complicity of bar staff all over the town, which I didn't anticipate. I sent him to get something to a place about half a mile away, as I had "run out". They told him they didn't have one, but he should try the Seasplash. The Seasplash didn't have one either, but suggested that McCormack's might. McCormack's were very busy and said it was too much trouble, but said the Royal Hotel should be able to sort him out. Fortunately for him, they set him straight.

And the object of the errand? A bucket of steam. !!!!!

Way back, I worked at a local garage which also had a separate workshop about half a mile down the road.
The guvnor came into the service bay where I was busy doing not a lot and told me to go down to the workshop and ask the storeman for "the special long weight" Do not be fobbed off with them offering you a short one and tell them its urgent.
After I had been there (on wages) for over an hour, they sent me back.

While queuing at the local Ford spares counter the woman in front of me asked for a fiesta 710 cap, the spares bloke asked what she meant and she said it was under the bonnet and she picked up his invoice pad, turned it over and drew a circle with 710 in the middle, the parts man could see from his side of the counter exactly what she wanted!

>> Blonde to counter assistant in spares department: "I need a new
>> dipstick, please".
>> Counter assistant: "What's wrong with your old one?"
>> Blonde: "It doesn't reach the oil any more".

I once met a fleet manager who swore someone had really asked him this!

Bloke pulls into Quickfit ''can I have a tyre for my Volvo?'' reply, ''seems like a fair swop to me sir''

CLOC

I 'ave been working in Wales for the last few weeks, and sharing the journey up with a French bloke who has lived in England since 71 but 'asn't lost 'is French accent.

In addition 'e 'as zis very engaging way of using English swear words with a heavy French accent (e.g. 'look at zese bloody wonkers 'oo are 'olding us up again' etc!).

Ze ozzer day we were going up the M5 and there was the usual Volvo V40 doing 50mph in the centre lane. He said 'oh bloody 'ell - zere is one of zose bloody CLOC members'.

I asked him what CLOC stood for, he said: 'Centre Lane Owners' Club'.

Paddy and Seamus were standing in the middle of a narrow country road, near a bend, having a chat and not taking any notice of anything else. Along barges a Volvo at high speed. Too late the Volvo driver sees Paddy and Seamus, slams on his brakes, as Volvo’s are nose heavy, it understeers straight on smashing through a gateway ending in the field on its roof.

Paddy said "begorrah did you see that, Seamus? If we'd been leaning on that gate we would have been killed!"

Drunken jumps

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first guy turns to the other one and says

“You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense it carries you back into the window”.

The Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says “What? Are you insane? There’s no way that could happen!”

No, it’s true” said the first guy, “let me prove it to you”.

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below.

When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him in the window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second guy is astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must’ve been a fluke.

That was scientifically impossible!”

“No, I’ll prove it again” says the first man as he jumps.

Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor window.

He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

“Well, what the heck,” the second guy says, “I’ve seen that it works, so I’ll try it!”

He jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges downwards …..his body hits the pavement with a loud “splat”

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says ……..

“You know, Superman, you’re a real bastard to Volvo drivers when you’re pissed

Age

An old guy is driving his Volvo home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.

"Darling", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, that some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the motorway".

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are bloody hundreds of them!"

There's a new email virus making the rounds.

This one is particularly nasty. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee can't take care of it. While anyone can be infected, it's most prevalent on computers where the users were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms include:
. . . Sending the same email twice
. . . Sending blank emails
. . . Sending email to the wrong person
. . . Sending email back to the person who sent it to you
. . . Sending the email but forgetting to attach the attachment
. . . Sending the email before you've finished it
. . . and hitting "DELETE" when you were aiming for "SEND"

…..It's called the "C-Nile Virus

You know you're an eejit when you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy

Have you noticed how many Volvo drivers use DARK GLASSES?

3 surgeons discuss their weeks caseload.

1st one says "my week has been pretty easy. Just operated on Nissan drivers. open them up and everything has a part number on.

Just have the parts book handy and you cant go wrong"

2nd one says "well, MY week was even easier. Just did BMW drivers. Don't need a parts book with them. everything is colour coded.

Just match the colours up. you have to be blind to screw them up"

3rd one smiles and says " well I've had the easiest time of all. All I did was Volvo drivers.

They only have two parts. their mouth holes and their arseholes, and they're both interchangeable!!!

Old Volvos Don't Die Daily Mail 14th September 2004
Scrapped Volvos are being sought by green energy fans... because the parts are perfect for wind turbines! Hubs, bearings and disc brakes from old 120 and 240 models generate more power than shop-bought kits, and cost a fraction of the price, so are ideal building materials. "It's nice to know the longest-lasting components are still useful," said a Volvo spokesman.

Youth

Mrs Mills Problem Page Sunday Times 1 Feb 2003

Q. I am thinking about fitting those pretty little blue lights seen on the bonnets of some cars. Is there any etiquette connected with them?

A. I believe you are only allowed to have them if you have also removed the back seat and replaced it with two 600 watt speakers, a sub-woofer, blacked out all the windows and fitted a rear spoiler on the boot. (Actually the pretty blue lights may the solution to daytime running lights)

Halfords eat your heart out. This is copied verbatim from a box of blue LED washer lights (made in China) in a local accessory supermarket.

It may be less of a joke after you've troubled to understand it:

Quote:

MOTOREX LED Water Sprya Nozzle Luminous With Nozzle.
Extreme luminous. Grand your car with luminous LED. Clean your Car with Fashion.

N/S direction can adjust even after 360° inst. until 360° angle.
Take off car nozzle by pressing nail of nozzle and disassemble from the bonnet (that's the easy part -- my comment).
According to the type of car gum packing can be taken to prefer.
Pass thru and make sure you have a fixation under the bonnet. Please place items seriously then fix them by nut in opposite direction and check your fixation before closing.

Take care of wire damage and wire mess and fix properly. After wiring check for shine by lightening the small lamp.

MOTOREX FOR HI QUALITY PASSENGER RACING CARS.

Unquote.

Tiger Woods and his Volvo

Tiger Woods drives his new Volvo into a Cork service station on his tour of Ireland.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Begorrah how are ya, today?"

Tiger bends down to pick up the pump nozzle and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket on to the ground.

"What are dey, Son?" says the attendant.

"They are called tees," replies Tiger.

"What are dey fer?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Lard Jaysus!!!" says the Cork man "Dem boys at Volvo tinks of fuckin everytin!"

Ramblings from a Volvo mechanic

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old dog ends from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

WIRE BRUSH WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the car to the ground after you have installed a set of Motorsport lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X2: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a tool for spreading mayonnaise on your sandwich; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought

INSPECTION LAMP: Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

Safety Notes on the use of batteries

1. Beware of the thunder and lightning that Lurketh in charged batteries, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most unseemly manner. Cause thee no spark or short among them.

2. Again, again I say unto you, Underestimate Not the energy of a shorted battery, for if thou so doest, thy friends will surely be buying beers for thy lady and consoling her in certain ways not acceptable to thee.

3. Suffer thou any AC or DC installation doth comply with the regulations or suffer Mightily Of The Plague of Lawyers, who will separate thee from thy worldly goods .

4.Remember to put in Parallel or Series only Batteries of the same type, age, size, weight and state of charge or suffer thou a Righteous Ream Job by thy Supervisor, and the miraculous Shrinking of thy Wages.

5. Tarry thou Not amongst fools that mixeth different Types of Batteries in a Bank, for they are disbelievers but make question of them if their Airplane hath different size wings also.

6. Take care when thou takest the measures of high-voltage circuits, or thou shalt incinerate both thee and thy test meter. Verily, thou hast but small value and can be easily replaced, but the loss of a fine test meter bringeth much woe and lamenting back at the workshop.

7. Bypass thou not fuses, breakers, or safety devices, nor wire thy vessel if thou be colour-blind for this can arouse any Survivors to Wrath, and thou shalt suffer severe beatings and Loud Doubts on thine Ancestry, Present Worth and Future Prospects.

8. Covet not thy neighbors true RMS meter and Suffer thou learn well the common, neutral, negative, ground, earth and bond. Amen, Amen I say unto thee, the Smoke pouring out your ears cannot be putteth back and thy Brain worketh not a toss without it.

9. Bedeck thyself not with jewelry or watches whilst working with Acid and Lead substances lest thou compete with Quasimodo on the ugly scale and thy Wife will have no further use for thee except for thy Wages.

10. Give lasting peace, even amongst the Unbelievers, by letting them wire up their own Electric Toilet.

Magic moments....on the 'phone....or why " technician Bruce gets surly"

But the car was only submerged overnight.
So me drilling a hole in the battery ain't covered by the warranty?
The fire? Oh, I got tired of the fuse blowing and jammed in a nail instead.
Well, I did the hook the battery backwards at first, but only for a few minutes.
I heard that dry batteries are maintenance free, so I emptied the water out.
Breaker panel? Naw, I managed to jam all fourteen connectors onto the battery posts...
You mean I can't change the Alternator belt without stopping the engine?